I admit it. I'm jealous.
All you girls/women out there that have a great relationship with your Dad, I envy you. Probably so much so that the ugly green eyed monster is rearing its head right now. But it's not your fault. Not one bit.
Even from my earliest memories, my Dad and I aren't what I would call close. Does he love me? Yeah, that I have no doubt of. But his mind of love is just the kind that exists because of DNA. He has to love me because he fathered me. Hugs always felt empty, and words were too. After a while, it just seemed normal to me.
As I grew, nothing really changed. He didn't have time for me, and I made myself be okay with it. If I closed myself off to the pain being let down brought, it wouldn't hurt as bad. Or so I thought. But through countless broken promises and lies, the wall that I'd built up slowly crumbled. Every time he'd broken a promise to me, I'd cry, wondering why he'd done it. It made me feel like I was just a second thought. Never a priority.
To be honest with you all, I always thought there was something wrong with me; that there had to be something I did or said that made him decide that I wasn't worth spending time with. Logically I know that's not the case, but when you think with your heart, things are never as clear as they should be. I now know the truth for what it is: he's selfish. If he cared about me at all, he wouldn't make promises he couldn't keep. If he really loves me, he'd stop letting me down, and I'd stop being hurt. I'm sick of being let down. I'm sick of crying over him, time and time again. Sick of tears streaming down my face, and my heart feeling like it's breaking.
All I want is a normal relationship with my Dad, one where he loves me and protects me just like a father should. But that's a pipe dream that's never going to come true. Every girl deserves a father who values and treasures her, makes her feel special. That's never going to be a reality for me. Might as well get used to it, I guess, because that's my normal.
So to you girls out there lucky enough to have a great relationship with your Dad, treasure it. Your reality is something I could only dream of.
Hi sweet lady, people only have power to hurt us if we give it to them. Take your power back.. and feel sorry for him. Every time he lets you down it is HIS loss. It took me a lot of years to learn this lesson.. I don't always remember it, but it does help.xx
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