Confession

Not many of you know this, because I try not to talk about it much, but I'm pretty sure, even though I've not been diagnosed, that I'm battling depression.

It all started back when Hurricane Igor hit a few years ago. The apartment I lived in at the time got hit hard, and the upheaval it created changed me. Even though I technically had a place to stay during the week my apartment was being repaired, I still felt homeless. I had a roof over my head, but not my own roof. 

Shortly after that, I started seeing a counsellor for the issues Hurricane Igor created. I thought, rather foolishly I guess, that this person would listen to what I had to say and that she would help me get through the trauma that I'd gone through. I was wrong. Really wrong.

Within a couple weeks of seeing this counsellor, she suggested that I "should be over it" by now, and that I was "holding onto it like a crutch". That upset me. She obviously didn't understand me, or the challenges that living with autism causes for me. A typical human being might get over it, but for someone who has an intellectual disability, things are just a wee bit different. Lets just say I never went back to her for any more appointments.

I eventually did "get over" the pain that feeling homeless had caused me. But due to the flooding, every time we had heavy rain after that, I was scared that we would have flooding again.

I still feel that way.

There have been other things since then that have driven me deeper into this undiagnosed depression, but when I really stop and think back on it, I suppose that the issues causing it go back further than the hurricane.

It was sometime in 2002, as I recall, a rather tumultuous year in my life. That year, my parents got divorced, I found out about my mother's affair with my Dad's brother, and was diagnosed with autism at the age of 16. I hated that. I'd already had enough issues at school, and as far as I was concerned, it was the last thing I needed to be dealing with. I just hated being different, I suppose. And to top that year off, my mother, sister and I moved into a new place with my now stepdad, my father threatened to kill my mother (the day after my 17th birthday) I had to give a statement to the police about what happened. And if that wasn't enough, I had to watch my father get arrested. No child should ever have to see that happen. 

If I hadn't found Great Big Sea that year, I don't know where I'd be. They've literally saved my life when I felt like I had nothing left. But I'll talk about that another time.

It all came to a head in 2009. Upon returning from an all too brief trip to Ontario to visit friends and see GBS, I crashed from the high. Feeling like I had no other option to end the pain, I went to the bathroom and downed the first pills I could find. I guess in hindsight that wasn't my brightest move, but unless one has been that low, they don't know what drives one to that end. Thankfully by the grace of God, I'm still here.

Add in being bisexual, and my life isn't an easy one. The hurricane left me a mess, I hit a wall emotionally, and had to opt out of school, which made me feel like a loser. Feelings that I still battle with. Most days are good, but there are some days that I just want to give up. But it's because of you, my friends that have seen my struggles, that I fight the bad thoughts. I know that no matter how bad things are for me, it could always be much worse. I'm alive, and that's a gift.

I'm rambling now I know, but I somehow feel as if writing this is cathartic, so I'll continue on.

In 2011, I lost a good friend suddenly, and I've never really gotten over it. It was unexpected, and I had never experienced that kind of grief before. And then just five months ago, I lost my beloved cat, Cuddles. My heart was crushed. That, without a doubt, was the worst pain I've ever felt. I didn't want to go on. But with the love of family, friends, and a few kind words from those on Twitter, I got through. It's still hard, but I get through it cause I have to. I have my kitten Charlie now, and I'm Auntie to the most precious nephew, Caleb David, now 14 months old. It's for him that I keep going.

Okay, feeling much better now that I've got the tears out. Thanks for listening.

Krista

move along, i believe there's something beautiful...

So, as I guess most of you who know me know, I lost a very dear friend in the early morning hours of January 29th. Her death was sudden and unexpected, and I am still reeling. I still cannot believe that it's happened. I still expect to hear from her any time now, except I know that is not going to happen.


There are reminders of her everywhere. I go to my Facebook page, and I see her among my friends list. I go to log onto Google Chat, and her name is there, showing up as "away", and away is where she'll be, forever. What kills me is knowing that I was the last one to talk to her, the last words she ever typed, were to me. I knew there was something wrong when she didn't respond to me for over an hour, and yet I ignored that feeling. Yes, I know that there is nothing that I could do, but I still hate the feeling of having that knowledge.


It seems so unfair to me that she is gone. Everything was going right for her. Her eyesight was improving, she'd gotten her job back after a lay off, she was making leaps and bounds with her music, and she and I were doing some of the best writing that either of us had ever done. When I think of all the words that were left unwritten, unspoken, my heart breaks. We had so much left unsaid. But I guess it was better that she went out on top then going out when nothing was going right.


We'd had a fight the night before this happened, and I thank God now that we resolved it. I think that it would have been worse if this had happened, and we'd gone out on a sour note. But thankfully, we had resolved our differences, and went out as friends. The thing that hurts the most, I think, is not being able to say goodbye. I never heard her voice, not once, and never met her, but for the four plus months that she was in my life, Jennifer O'Rourke, aka Wolf Whitewater changed me. I no longer am scared to chase my dreams as I was before. She gave me that strength.


I don't know how I'm going to go on without her. My life feels so empty without her in it. The only positive that I can draw from this at all is that now I have just one more angel watching over me, someone to give me a hand when I fall,  whisper words of encouragement in my ear, and give me the strength I need to go on, even though it feels like my heart is breaking.


My friends and I have set up a thread on our message board to honour her. A place where we can post letters, poems, and anything we feel might help us get through this rough ordeal. Its not the same as saying goodbye in person, so this is the best thing that I can do.


I will not give up writing either. For the first couple of days, I could not bring myself to write. But that is not the way Wolf would have wanted it. The one thing that she always told me that now rings in my ears is "A good writer writes every day, no matter what." So now, no matter how I am feeling, I strive to write just a little bit every day. And I will be better off for it.


I will end this blog post, fittingly enough, with a couple poems, and the letter I wrote to my friend. Thanks for reading. Rest In Peace Jen.

As I sit here, I still can't believe you're gone. I feel numb. I feel sad and alone, and I miss you already. We only knew each for such a short time, but you made such an impact on my life. I'm sorry that I have to tell you in this way, but I valued your friendship too. You and I had this connection, I could sense it. You always knew when there was something going on with me, and I think I could feel it with you too.

I'm going to miss our chats, our incredibly long writing sessions, and your ability to tap into Alan like no one I ever knew. It felt like you knew him. I don't know how I'm going to do it without you. You were always someone I could bounce ideas off of.

I want you to know that I'm not going to give up that. I know you wouldn't want me to give up. After all, a good writer writes no matter what, right? I will do it, my dear friend, for you. And I will write that novel. And when I get it published, because I will get it published, I will dedicate it to you.

My life was better for having you in it, and I am blessed to have known you, even if it was for a short time. I truly believe you were in my life for a reason, and I think you knew that, and still know it now, in heaven. I hope you know just what you meant to me. I am going to miss you far more than you ever know.

You probably see me down here, upset, and hurting, and think me foolish for it, but I can't help it. You were such a good friend, but you were more than that. Soul sisters :) I hope you are happy up there, and don't worry about us down here, we'll be fine. Rest in Peace my dear friend.

* * * * *


One of the kindest people that I never got to meet passed away in the early morning hours of January 29. Although I never met her, the impact that she had on me, and on the lives of others, will never be forgotten.

I first 'met' Jennifer O'Rourke, aka Wolf Whitewater back in September of 2010. My home province of Newfoundland, in Canada, was hit by a hurricane, and many of us were forced out of our homes, including myself. She was a member of a message board that I was on, and messaged me to see if I was alright. And from there we hit it off. For the first time, it felt like someone understood my autism, and where others had judged, she was there to lend a kind ear, and calm me down when I had a panic attack. She was always there when I needed her, and she never once let me down.

It was with Wolf's encouragement that I decided to follow my real passion, writing. While I was told by various people over the years that I had a talent for writing, none thought that I could make a living out of it. She had told me that we only get one shot to make this life what we want it to be, and that it's too short not to follow our dreams. So with that voice in my ear, I am following that passion.

We were writing when she was taken from us, and now I am left to wonder what might have been. It's now apparant to me that Jennifer O'Rourke, aka Wolf Whitewater, was sent into my life if only for a brief four months, and my life and the lives of all that knew her, was richer for having her in it. For believing in my dreams, and helping me to follow them, Wolf Whitewater is my hero.


* * * * *
The days go by so quickly,
I can't believe you're gone
As I sit here in silence,
The time keeps dragging on

One minute here, gone the next,
Now in the Master's arms you rest
Down here we cry, down here we mourn,
But now you are with our dear Lord

We'll miss you more than you will know
And even though its hard, its true
It sadly was your time to go
And we're left here missing you


* * * * *
And this one, for the man who helps me go on,
And the music that he and his bandmates make


Like the sun breaking through the clouds
On my hardest days,
You're there
When my heart is breaking
Feels like its in a million pieces,
You're there
When I'm going through hell,
And I feel like I can't go on,
You're there
I want to thank you all
For being there
It's your words, your smiles, and music
That helps me to go on


Krista


Also, if you're going through hell yourself, read this: 

 http://www.danoah.com/2011/02/thousand-roads-through-hell.html#idc-cover