Confession

Not many of you know this, because I try not to talk about it much, but I'm pretty sure, even though I've not been diagnosed, that I'm battling depression.

It all started back when Hurricane Igor hit a few years ago. The apartment I lived in at the time got hit hard, and the upheaval it created changed me. Even though I technically had a place to stay during the week my apartment was being repaired, I still felt homeless. I had a roof over my head, but not my own roof. 

Shortly after that, I started seeing a counsellor for the issues Hurricane Igor created. I thought, rather foolishly I guess, that this person would listen to what I had to say and that she would help me get through the trauma that I'd gone through. I was wrong. Really wrong.

Within a couple weeks of seeing this counsellor, she suggested that I "should be over it" by now, and that I was "holding onto it like a crutch". That upset me. She obviously didn't understand me, or the challenges that living with autism causes for me. A typical human being might get over it, but for someone who has an intellectual disability, things are just a wee bit different. Lets just say I never went back to her for any more appointments.

I eventually did "get over" the pain that feeling homeless had caused me. But due to the flooding, every time we had heavy rain after that, I was scared that we would have flooding again.

I still feel that way.

There have been other things since then that have driven me deeper into this undiagnosed depression, but when I really stop and think back on it, I suppose that the issues causing it go back further than the hurricane.

It was sometime in 2002, as I recall, a rather tumultuous year in my life. That year, my parents got divorced, I found out about my mother's affair with my Dad's brother, and was diagnosed with autism at the age of 16. I hated that. I'd already had enough issues at school, and as far as I was concerned, it was the last thing I needed to be dealing with. I just hated being different, I suppose. And to top that year off, my mother, sister and I moved into a new place with my now stepdad, my father threatened to kill my mother (the day after my 17th birthday) I had to give a statement to the police about what happened. And if that wasn't enough, I had to watch my father get arrested. No child should ever have to see that happen. 

If I hadn't found Great Big Sea that year, I don't know where I'd be. They've literally saved my life when I felt like I had nothing left. But I'll talk about that another time.

It all came to a head in 2009. Upon returning from an all too brief trip to Ontario to visit friends and see GBS, I crashed from the high. Feeling like I had no other option to end the pain, I went to the bathroom and downed the first pills I could find. I guess in hindsight that wasn't my brightest move, but unless one has been that low, they don't know what drives one to that end. Thankfully by the grace of God, I'm still here.

Add in being bisexual, and my life isn't an easy one. The hurricane left me a mess, I hit a wall emotionally, and had to opt out of school, which made me feel like a loser. Feelings that I still battle with. Most days are good, but there are some days that I just want to give up. But it's because of you, my friends that have seen my struggles, that I fight the bad thoughts. I know that no matter how bad things are for me, it could always be much worse. I'm alive, and that's a gift.

I'm rambling now I know, but I somehow feel as if writing this is cathartic, so I'll continue on.

In 2011, I lost a good friend suddenly, and I've never really gotten over it. It was unexpected, and I had never experienced that kind of grief before. And then just five months ago, I lost my beloved cat, Cuddles. My heart was crushed. That, without a doubt, was the worst pain I've ever felt. I didn't want to go on. But with the love of family, friends, and a few kind words from those on Twitter, I got through. It's still hard, but I get through it cause I have to. I have my kitten Charlie now, and I'm Auntie to the most precious nephew, Caleb David, now 14 months old. It's for him that I keep going.

Okay, feeling much better now that I've got the tears out. Thanks for listening.

Krista