Braver, Stronger, Happier

This might come off a little sappy, but oh well. I've been told I'm a sappy person, so here it goes.

To anyone who ever encouraged me to chase my dreams - family, friends, and teachers - thank you. For a long time I was afraid to take that chance and put myself out there. I was afraid of being vulnerable. But not anymore.

Since I took that leap of faith in late October, I've never been happier. I'm making a name for myself as a writer, and my dreams of making a career out of it are closer than they've ever been. I finally feel that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing; that I've found my purpose and meaning in life. And that's huge.

When you struggle with low self esteem (and yeah, I have. My counselor noticed it almost immediately) and depression, you often feel like you're worthless; you don't have any purpose, any reason for living. Your life may be filled with wonderful people, but still there is something missing, and that something is purpose.

By putting myself and my writing out there for the world to see, I feel that I've become a stronger and happier person. My life has more meaning than it ever did. I'm not afraid to go after what I want. Case in point, my last two interviewees.

The old, sad, and afraid me never would've been able to ask Con O'Brien or Alan Doyle for interviews for my articles. But the new me? She's not afraid anymore. She's a strong, confident, and happier person who is chasing her dreams and is determined to succeed. 2016 is going to be my year. I can feel it.

So thanks again to anyone who ever told me to chase those dreams. I couldn't have done it without you! 😘

Save Me...Cause Saving's What I Need

I can't believe what I've just done. I've just severed ties with one the one most important people in my life. And it feels like there is a dagger piercing my heart right now. Yet I can't find the words to really say what I want to say.

It angers me that she doesn't believe that I'm sick. It pisses me off that she can come into my apartment, yelling at me the way she did. I would NEVER, even though we have gotten into fights, yell at her in her own place like that. If she was truly worried, she wouldn't yell, or scream, or accuse me of lying to her.

Only I know the truth about school. I am not in danger of getting kicked out anymore. I had problems with one course, and now I've taken care of that. Discussed it with teachers and a guidance counselor. No, I'm not lazy. Not in the least.

But y'know what, maybe I'm better off without her. It comes down to this. Where the rubber meets the road. And I'm a lot stronger than I used to be. I'm not that little girl that you used to have to take care of, shelter, and protect. I wish you'd stop hovering and treating me like a baby. You're the only one who sees my disability when you look at me, and I'm sick of it.

"I'm stronger than yesterday/Its nothing but my way/My loneliness ain't killing me no more/I am stronger!"

Scratch that.

Right now I feel like I am about to fall apart. I feel as desperate as I did back in August of last year. Like I want out. Like I have nowhere else to turn. No other alternative. I feel like I need someone to wrap their arms around me and tell that its going to alright.

But I know I've got no physical person to do that right now.

God, I feel so alone. . .