Happy Birthday Great Big Sea

On a day like today, wishing my favourite band a Happy Birthday doesn't seem like enough. Especially when that band has done more for you than they could ever know. So, here's what I could say to them if I could:

Thank you. I know that seems like such simple words, but trust me, there are a lot of reasons I have to say thank you to you guys.

For years, I felt different. I was never a part of the in crowd; didn't stand out, didn't fit in. I just went with the flow I guess, doing what I needed to get through. Then one day at school, I saw something that would forever change my life. A poster, "A Night with Alan Doyle and his guitar". I knew the name, so when I got home, I mentioned it to my mother. Tickets were only $10, so myself along with my mom and now stepfather, decided to go.

To be honest, that was one of the best decisions I ever made. From the first note I heard, I knew I was changed. I felt a connection to the music, and more importantly my home. The music made me happy, right down to the very depths of my soul. And its that very same music that got me through a very rough patch in my life- a year that saw my parents divorce, my father threaten to kill my mother, me hearing it all and subsequently giving a statement to the cops and seeing my father get arrested. Anyone else would've cracked under the weight of all that. But the music got me through.

Being diagnosed with autism didn't help matters much. It was another thing that set me apart. I finished school, but struggled on where to go and what to do next. I hated crowds, and avoided them. But that was until I attended my first concert at Mile One on December 18, 2004. There I felt safe, accepted, and free. I was finally somewhere where I fit in, and when you struggle your whole life to fit in, that feeling is one of the most amazing things I'd ever experienced. And that hasn't changed in the almost 12 years I've been a fan.

When times were rough it was the music that saved me, much like a hand reaching out and keeping me from falling. Through the deaths of friends and family and my own personal struggles, you guys were there whether you knew it or not. And when I actually did reach out for comfort or advice, you guys have been there. I honestly don't know how to say thank you enough for that. From the death of my cat to a family struggle, your kind words have seen me through. In my darkest hour, when I wanted to end my life, something pulled me back. And I firmly believe it was your music. You've kept me going when I simply wanted to quit.

Its through you guys that I have become friends with some of the most amazing people, most of whom are now like family to me. These friendships happened because of GBS. My best friend is now my roommate, and is like a sister to me. That wouldn't have happened if not for you guys. Heck, I even met my now ex through you guys. I've experienced a lot cause of you all.

Even through the leaving of several members, I've never lost my faith in you guys. Somehow I always knew that you'd keep going. When others thought you were done, I screamed "no way!". I knew they were wrong. I thank God they were wrong.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for everything. Happy 21st Birthday, and I hope you guys keep rocking for a long time to come!

Much love,
Krista
xoxoxoxo

Weight Loss Update

So as you all know, I'm currently on a weight loss journey. But let me tell you what led to this major change.

Last year, tragedy struck my household. My beloved Cuddles was tragically hit by a car and was killed instantly. It absolutely broke my heart. I didn't know how to go on. But somehow, I did. Less than a month later, I had a dream about my weight. I could see the number on the scale in my dreams, and because my roommate/sister had recently bought a scale, I decided to weigh myself when I got up.

But nothing could've prepared me for the number I saw on the scale that day. 265.4. I was mortified. I couldn't believe that my weight had gotten out of control. But instead of letting it get any worse, I decided to do something about it. And it was on that day- June 20, 2013 - that I took the control back.

It was hard at first, I won't lie. There were days I felt hungry even if I ate enough. But eventually it got easier. I cut back on my snacking, drank more water, walked a bit. And slowly but surely, the weight started coming off. With each ten pound milestone, I've celebrated. There was less and less of me, and suddenly, I wanted to do more. As my weight loss inspiration Mark Hiscock said "The more you lose, the lighter you'll be on your feet, and you'll want to do more." And he was right.

I used to hate walking. I was winded easily, and it took forever to get anywhere. A simple flight of stairs in St. John's? Forget about it. Wasn't happening. But I noticed something this past weekend while visiting the city. While the stairs still hurt to climb, they didn't wind me as much as they used to. In fact, going up and down those stairs was a lot easier.

And walking now? I actually enjoy it. Its fun to get out and see and do things. I want to do more, and I love all the extra energy it gives me. Now I'm only 6.8lbs from the 50lb mark, and I can't believe how far I've come. I have curves now. Imagine. Haven't had those in a long time! I tried on a jacket that hadn't fit me since 2009, and now it fits again. Its the successes like that that keep me going.

To those of you out there struggling, please don't give up. I know weight loss isn't easy, but I promise you its worth it. You don't have to cut out your favourite food altogether. Just limit yourself. A small bag of chips at the end of the week. A can of pop here and there. You'll see results. Walk 15-20 minutes a day. Walk the dog, ride a bike... If its cold outside, dance or clean. Those things can burn major calories! But most importantly, maintain a positive attitude. YOU can do this! If I can do it, anyone can!

Starting weight: 265.4lbs
Current weight: 222.2lbs
Loss to date: 43.2lbs
Percentage change: 16.3%

So you don't stand out, and you don't fit in. Weird

I hate bullying. Not a bold statement, but as a person who's been bullied her whole life, I feel that it's finally time to tell my story. And the names used in this post are those that hurt me in some way. I'm not going to cover up their misdeeds against me.

It all started in Kindergarten (1990), a time of innocence and independence, as a child is learning to spread its wings for the first time, much like a young bird first venturing away from the nest. It was in that tiny classroom that I first encountered the cruel world of bullying. The culprit was not who you might think. It was not one of my classmates. No, instead it was one of the people my parents trusted to educate me. Yes, my teacher, Ms. Joan Brinston. She thought nothing of hitting students with a ruler if she thought they were out of line - it didn't matter where, either. Of those who had to endure the slap of the ruler, most of us were lucky if we got it across the hand. There are others, who I'll not name, who got it over the head. I remember a ruler breaking at one point. But when you're a child, and you're told this is someone who you can trust, you don't speak up. The mentality becomes that it's acceptable, because a person of authority is getting away with it. To this day, it was denied that there was ever any wrong doing, and that teacher took an early retirement. Although many will say that it was because she found another calling. But many of her former students know the truth.

From then on, it became clear that I was an easy target. The next year (1991), during lunch time a fellow classmate, Phillip Piercey, punched me in the stomach because we were fighting over a toy. I know he was told that it was wrong to do, but I can't remember if he was punished. I've since forgiven him, but I'll never forget how it felt.

There were numerous incidents throughout my school years. I remember one lunch time that someone broke paper clips and put them in my food while I wasn't looking. I'm not sure who would do such a thing, but I am thankful that another classmate saw that person doing it, and warned me not to eat it. I hate to think what might've happened had he not told me.

Another thing that stands out was someone pulling a chair out from me, thinking it was funny. Again it was one of my fellow classmates, Korlee Stacey, although I've since forgiven her as well. I remember something being done about it that time, which was a rare thing. The principal at the time went berserk. He had a friend that'd had a chair pulled out from them, and because of that, what one person thought was a harmless joke, his friend was now confined to a wheelchair for the rest of their life. Bullying is not harmless, and that's just the physical side of it.

The worst incident that I can remember still bothers me to this day. I was in Grade 8, I believe, and it was around Valentines Day. I had brought Valentines to school to give out to my friends (what few I had), and classmates. I had placed them in my locker before class and had gone about my day. Come lunch time, I decided to get my valentines and give them out, but imagine much to my shock and horror that my valentines were missing. I came to learn, through the honesty of a few good people that they'd been stolen from my locker, and burned. The culprit? Ryan Reid. Was he punished? Yes. But he merely got a slap on the wrist (1 day in school suspension). Why did he get off so easy, you ask? Its because his mother, one Cathy Bailey-Reid was Vice-Principal at the time. I'll never forgive her for that.

And what happened if I dared speak up for myself or push back when I was pushed? Good question. The principal called my home, telling my mother. Thankfully, she knew everything that I'd been through, and in not so many words told the principal not to call there again unless it was really worth calling about. Thanks, Mom.

Thankfully by the time I got to high school, things got better, but only because I hid the way I was. I was diagnosed with Aspergers, so I hid it. And although I didn't discover it until much later, I was bisexual. So I hid that too. Being different at that school made you stick out like a sore thumb, thus giving the bullies further reason to pick on you. Hiding my differences was just a way I got through high school.

But I got through it. I thought that once I was out of school, things would get better. And for a while, they did. Through Messenger, and later Facebook, I began to build a circle of friends who I trusted. People who cared about me. But with the joys of social media can also come the downfalls. Many the times I was called out through Facebook, or harassed on the old Great Big Sea website (if you can imagine that), or even worse, slandered on twitter. There's not much that wasn't said about me: I wanted to have Alan Doyle's kid (that I'll never deny. He's a good looking man. But its not going to happen, so the point is moot), I wanted to kidnap his son (um, what? Seriously? I'd never do that!), the accusations were endless. Thankfully that's all since stopped, and was ignored by the person who they were trying to get their point across to.

And there was the JUNO Awards dress blog post, where I was harshly made fun of for what I wore. My then girlfriend spent hours and a load of money to make that dress. To boost my confidence, and for that night, it did. Several people were quick to point out how good it looked on me. And I can honestly say that was one of the nicest feelings in the world.

Thankfully for now, there's been no bullying (well at least not that I know of), and life is good right now, but I want to leave you with this:

If you're a bully, I urge you to stop and think about what you're doing. You really have no idea what you are doing to that person (or maybe even people) that you're bullying. It doesn't matter how you do it; physical, mental, its all the same. Every form of bullying hurts.

If you see people bullying someone, tell someone about it, please. You don't know just how much that means to the person being picked on. It could be your actions that finally bring an end to what they've been going through.

And if you're being bullied, please stay strong. I know what its like for you, because I've gone through some of the same things, felt some of that same hurt. I know how hard it can be,but trust me, ending your life is never the answer. If you need a hand, I offer you mine. If you need an ear to listen, I'm here. I offer you my friendship and love. You are never truly alone!

Chin up, tomorrow will be here real soon!

The end?

So, it's with a heavy heart that I write this. Just a few hours ago, long time and founding member of Great Big Sea, Séan McCann, made this announcement:

My initial reaction was one of shock, as I'm sure was the feeling of many other fans. Then came the wondering why? Why now? Why is he leaving? Questions that only Séan can answer.

And then came fear. If Séan is leaving, does this mean its the end for Great Big Sea? I admit its crossed my mind, and it scares the hell out of me. For 11 years, Great Big Sea is all I've ever known. They have been my anchor that kept me here. They've been my lifeline that kept me from doing the unthinkable. I'm completely serious when I say that without the strength that the music of GBS brings me, I wouldn't be here typing these words right now. But more fear for Séan. I can't help but wondering what's going on with him right now, and just how bad things could be. I admit, I'm so worried for him right now, and I can only pray that he'll be okay.

Here's a poem I wrote to bid farewell to the Shantyman.

So glad I got to meet him roughly this time last years. The memory of hanging out with him after the show with my sister is a precious one. We talked, laughed, he signed our box sets, and got pictures. I'll always treasure that.

Thanks for the memories, Shantyman. Great Big Sea won't be the same without you!

I'd say cheers, but I don't feel very cheerful right now. 

Krista

Alan Doyle, Boy on Bridge

Writing blog posts isn't always easy, and this post is no exception. Why is it that something is harder to write about when you feel strongly about it? Maybe you want to do justice to the thoughts you're thinking; you want those thoughts to transfer well to words, but the words fail you. Such is my problem in trying to write about Alan Doyle's Boy on Bridge documentary film that aired on CMT Canada on Friday night. The film follows Alan's journey as he writes and records music for what would become his debut record of the same name.

LIGHT THE WAY

Keith Power, a good friend of Alan's remembers that he always wanted to Alan. Power, nearly six years Alan's junior (the same age as his baby sis Michelle) says that Alan was always the centre of attention- forever telling stories and entertaining people. And now, some 25 years later, he still wants to be Alan, for those same reasons.

For actor/musician Scott Grimes, (E.R., Band of Brothers, American Dad, Mystery Alaska, etc) working with Alan is a thrill. You see, Scott is more than Alan's friend, he's also a fan of his music, having been introduced to the music of Great Big Sea (www.greatbigsea.com) back in 1997. Since then, the two have worked together on a couple movies ( Robin Hood and A Winter's Tale), and several episodes of Republic of Doyle (CBC.ca/RepublicofDoyle).

Alan knew that he wanted Grimes and Power to sing backing vocals on the track Light the Way (co-written by Sean Panting), but given the schedules of the two, it would not be easy to do. So, knowing they were coming to a GBS gig, Alan brought them backstage, where he recorded it in his laptop. Scott, as a joke, had gone up an octave on one set of backing vocals, clearly not expecting it to be used. However, Alan loved the sound of it, so it stayed in.

WHERE I BELONG

Despite all his worldly travels, there is one place that Alan truly belongs, and that's the small fishing village of Petty Harbour (est pop 924 in 2011), located approximately 15 minutes south of St. John's, Newfoundland. It was here that a young Alan Doyle got his start, filling in on rhythm guitar in his Uncle Ronnie's band, The Ringdelles.

Ronnie Doyle, Alan's Uncle and Mayor of Petty Harbour at the time Boy on Bridge was being filmed remembers that day. He called up his brother (Alan's Dad) Tom and asked if Alan would like to fill in for that gig. Tom passed the phone to Alan, who agreed, and did indeed fill in. Ronnie still remembers Alan's amazement at being paid a few dollars like everyone else. 

While sitting with his Uncle Ronnie in the Mayor's Chambers, Alan reminisces about days gone by- Sundays at The Squid Jigger, and said that depending on who was playing with the band on that night, the tunes would vary. One fella in particular, you'd be playing a lot of country songs, whereas with another there would be a lot of accordion tunes. It always changed.

It was in Petty Harbour that Alan got his first movie credit as well- although he'd not know of that until many years later- in A Whale For The Killing, where he was listed as Alan Doyle- Boy on Bridge. That bridge played such an important role in Alan's life. He couldn't go anywhere without that bridge; it brought him to school, and later to St. John's, where he would attend university, help start Great Big Sea, and meet the woman who would eventually become his wife- and a brighter future. In retrospect, he supposes that's what Boy on Bridge really means.

JIM CUDDY JUST SANG ON MY RECORD

There are many Canadian musicians who, when writing songs, try to emulate Blue Rodeo. Alan is no exception to that. Hawksley Workman of who Alan says: don't get his way and let him do his thing- wrote and recorded several songs together for the Boy on Bridge record (Sorry, Love While Love's Awake, and one of the bonus tracks Somewhere In The Love We Made), including the song Northern Plains. As he was recording it, Alan thought like many others, "Wouldn't it be cool if Jim Cuddy sang harmonies on the track?" So he called up Jim, who agreed to do it. Obviously ecstatic at this happening, and rightly so, after Jim does the harmonies, exclaims "This record is now called 'Jim Cuddy just sang on my record' and that Jim's picture was going on the cover. "I'm the worst performer on my own record!"

Oh, and a couple pieces of advice. 

1. Never challenge yourself to write, sing and record a song about a cruise ship while on a cruise ship, because the free beer and wine slows it down. 

2. Hit record before you get the audience  to participate in said recording.

The end result was Mutiny on the Dawn, a bonus track available through Alan's website alandoyle.ca. The link for the bonus tracks is alandoyle.ca/bonus 

It's a song about the people on the cruise ship the Norwegian Dawn, who plan a mutiny. The audience all sings along, clapping, cheering, singing, and adding in "crazy noises of celebration", making a rollicking tune that much more fun. 

ON THE INJURED LIST

Towards the end of the Safe Upon the Shore tour, the slipped disc in Alan's back ruptured, causing him a lot of pain. When he got home and got an MRI to see what happened, the news was revealed, and he was told that he would need surgery or he'd face having nerve damage in his legs. With no other option, he had to go under the knife. Said a source that I won't reveal, he suffered with the pain after. He had a bed in the living room for weeks, and had to use a walker to get around. It was the first time I'd seen him in such incredible pain and it broke my heart. I hope he never has to go through that again.

WORKING WITH THE MAN OF A THOUSAND SONGS

It's unfathomable to me that there are people out there who have never heard of Ron Hynes. Here in Newfoundland, he is a legend, and is also one of Alan's idols. In Alan's opinion, Ron is, he thinks, the best songwriter in Atlantic Canada if not all of Canada. As a young boy in 1978-1982/83, Alan grew up watching the Wonderful Grand Band on TV, as did many others.

This time was not the first time that Alan had attempted to write a song with the great Ron Hynes. The first time, Alan admits that he was too young and excited for the opportunity to get anything done. The second chance came during a time when Ron was battling his drinking addiction. But luckily the third time was a charm and the sad but lovely tune (one of the bonus tunes available on Alan's website) Heart So Longs To Know was born. Written on a postcard of all things, in Ron's kitchen in Ferryland, it became another notch in his songwriting belt. 

STRUGGLES AND THE TRIP TO NASHVILLE 

GBS manager Louis Thomas, a good friend of Alan's, and also his personal manager, calls him up one day, challenging him to do better and write better songs, not a bunch of GBS B-sides as he put it. Alan was clearly frustrated, not wanting to have to work like a dog to get his own songs on his own record, but he pushed through. He says that the people he has around him are horrible ass-kissers; won't tell you that you're great. He knows its because they're trying to help, but in his mind all he hears is "You suck, I hate your songs." But on the advice of Louis, he heads to Nashville to work with fellow Atlantic Canadian and songwriter extraordinaire, Gordie Sampson. 

He didn't know anybody besides Gordie, but somehow he managed to write three songs- Where the Nightingales Sing, I've Seen A Little, and My Day. Also coming out of those sessions was an original, and personal favourite of mine, Break It Slow.

ANTHEMS AND WORRIES

Singing anthems is terrifying, Alan admits, because if you do it well, nobody notices. But if you screw up, everyone loves to make fun of you. This was said of singing the anthems for a Detroit/Toronto game, where he was doing press with Republic of Doyle co-creator and good friend, Allan Hawco. Although the American anthem is difficult for someone that doesn't have a "range-y" voice, Alan delivers (for those interested, there is a clip on YouTube).

There were worries on Alan's part about the whole project. As he and GBS were now at the end of a contract with Warner, they were technically deemed free agents, and he had to find someone else who was willing to release the record. But even if they did, would it be in a limited capacity? Luckily for Alan (and for us fans, Universal Music Canada was,  and released the project in full.

I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS (RUSSELL CROWE AND COLIN JAMES)

Russell Crowe helps out in Vancouver, and while he loves to tease Alan, ("take another lap around the building", "we're all here to make you look good-notice how many people that takes?") it's clear the two admire each other. Crowe says that when he knows he's writing for Alan, he goes to a higher gear... A place of brevity, because after 24/25 songs together, he knows what Alan wants to hear, and that it comes down to being touched by a song. He also says that Alan lives for his audience, and deserves the big one. 

The pair, who met during the 2004 NHL Awards, have fast become good friends, writing many songs together, with Alan producing Russell's only solo cd, My Hand, My Heart. Since then, Alan has appeared in two movies with Russell, and also on Republic of Doyle.

Alan is clearly blown away by Colin James who plays a mean bluegrass style guitar on Testify (sparked by the infamous phone throwing incident in NYC, and written while Crowe was doing press for Cinderella Man), giving it the feel it truly deserves.

Colin, who knows GBS well loves that Alan stepped out of the box and the way he did music.

MORE NERVES

Because of his back, the opportunity to work with great TV composer Mike Post had to be postponed. Alan, was worried he'd lost his chance, but luckily things worked out, and although nervous, he is is glad for the chance.

Post, who became a fan of GBS after seeing them at the HOB in L.A. about 6/7 years ago says that he was immediately blown away by the band. They weren't just rock, folk or pop, but all things combined. He also said that he knows Alan is really smart and talented- no BS. And he knew it when they were fooling around in the studio. He was sick, so they hadn't started until 2 that day, and 3 hours later they had a song. Later that night, Alan finished the lyric. 

Says Alan of the experience: I wanted to do something I'd never done before; not something I could've sang somewhere else. 

BLOWN AWAY AND GREATFUL

When it comes to the performers on his record, Doyle is blown away. They (Russell, Jim Cuddy, Hawksley, Mike Post, etc) did it for nothing whereas others would've had to pay a lot to get the help he did.

He's very thankful to Great Big Sea too, because if not for the band, he a young man, just out of university, never would've met his wife. And if he'd never met her, they wouldn't have their son together. He tries to pass off his strong emotion here by blaming it on dust, but its clear his family means everything to him.

When asked what advice he'd give his younger self on that bridge, Alan pauses before giving his answer. Even if he could, he wouldn't give any, because that young man found his way on his own and has done very well for himself.

PERSONAL THOUGHTS

After watching the documentary, many thoughts have filled my head. 

1. I love the behind the scenes look to making the album and seeing how it all came together. 

2. It was hard seeing him in pain, and struggling to get around while using a walker, but was touched by his strength. 

3. I laughed quite a bit when he was working with Ron Hynes, there was obvious boyish delight on Alan's part, working with an idol of his. 

My overall impression is one of awe, wonder and pure delight. I feel as if I was taken on a journey, seeing all the ups and downs, highs and lows and everyday things that can get in the way of your dreams. But Alan is an inspiration, getting through everything and making his dream come true. I can honestly say now that I'll never hear the Boy on Bridge record the same again, and I'll always appreciate and love it more than before because of everything he had to go through to make it.

Two thumbs way up, and five stars here. 

Your thoughts?

New poetry- "1000 Words"

A little while ago, I learned that a friend of mine was going to a Great Big Sea show, and I asked her that if she got a chance could she tell Alan that I send my love and that I say hi? Well, that show was two days ago, and I'm very happy to say that she did indeed get to pass on that message! 

As she tells it, they were chatting, and it was after he gave her a birthday kiss that she passed on my message, saying " Krista sends her love and wanted me to say hi to you from her." 

She said that he then took her hand, smiled and said "Yes, please tell Krista hi back from me."

Now maybe I'm just a sap, and maybe I'm reading too much into this, but the way in which he told her to say hi back was very kind. It still blows my little mind that after all these years, Alan still remembers me. I never thought that when I met him more than 10 years ago that he would still remember me today.

I think it's because I don't expect people to remember me. I honestly think "Why would (insert name here) remember me? What's so important about me that (insert name here) still knows who I am?"

I really can't explain it. But I do know how it makes me feel. Important. Here he is, a star- many albums under his belt, several movies, a book due to drop next year- with thousands of fans, yet I'm one of the ones he remembers. Me? I never thought that someone so important would remember me. 

I sat and thought about it a while after my friend told me, and then I started to express my feelings the best way I knew how. I wrote. 

Alan, if you somehow see this, I want you to know how much your kindness means to me. Maybe someday I'll be able to tell you what you've done for me. But for now, this poem will have to do:

A picture is worth a thousand words

That's how the old saying goes

But why do I struggle to find them

When I need them the most?

How do I begin to thank you

I really don't know what to say

To a person that can cheer me up

On my very bluest of days.

Like a lighthouse beacon through the fog

When it seems all hope is gone

You'll give me the encouragement that I need

And I find the strength to go on

So how do I say thanks for everything 

The kindness throughout the years

The words that have kept me strong

When I was on the verge of tears?

I don't know how to put into words

The thoughts going through my mind

I could sit here and think on it all day

And the words I could never find

Yes a picture is worth a thousand words

That old saying is definitely true 

But for now I'll use just a couple

And they're simply to say: thank you!

Krista 

Confession

Not many of you know this, because I try not to talk about it much, but I'm pretty sure, even though I've not been diagnosed, that I'm battling depression.

It all started back when Hurricane Igor hit a few years ago. The apartment I lived in at the time got hit hard, and the upheaval it created changed me. Even though I technically had a place to stay during the week my apartment was being repaired, I still felt homeless. I had a roof over my head, but not my own roof. 

Shortly after that, I started seeing a counsellor for the issues Hurricane Igor created. I thought, rather foolishly I guess, that this person would listen to what I had to say and that she would help me get through the trauma that I'd gone through. I was wrong. Really wrong.

Within a couple weeks of seeing this counsellor, she suggested that I "should be over it" by now, and that I was "holding onto it like a crutch". That upset me. She obviously didn't understand me, or the challenges that living with autism causes for me. A typical human being might get over it, but for someone who has an intellectual disability, things are just a wee bit different. Lets just say I never went back to her for any more appointments.

I eventually did "get over" the pain that feeling homeless had caused me. But due to the flooding, every time we had heavy rain after that, I was scared that we would have flooding again.

I still feel that way.

There have been other things since then that have driven me deeper into this undiagnosed depression, but when I really stop and think back on it, I suppose that the issues causing it go back further than the hurricane.

It was sometime in 2002, as I recall, a rather tumultuous year in my life. That year, my parents got divorced, I found out about my mother's affair with my Dad's brother, and was diagnosed with autism at the age of 16. I hated that. I'd already had enough issues at school, and as far as I was concerned, it was the last thing I needed to be dealing with. I just hated being different, I suppose. And to top that year off, my mother, sister and I moved into a new place with my now stepdad, my father threatened to kill my mother (the day after my 17th birthday) I had to give a statement to the police about what happened. And if that wasn't enough, I had to watch my father get arrested. No child should ever have to see that happen. 

If I hadn't found Great Big Sea that year, I don't know where I'd be. They've literally saved my life when I felt like I had nothing left. But I'll talk about that another time.

It all came to a head in 2009. Upon returning from an all too brief trip to Ontario to visit friends and see GBS, I crashed from the high. Feeling like I had no other option to end the pain, I went to the bathroom and downed the first pills I could find. I guess in hindsight that wasn't my brightest move, but unless one has been that low, they don't know what drives one to that end. Thankfully by the grace of God, I'm still here.

Add in being bisexual, and my life isn't an easy one. The hurricane left me a mess, I hit a wall emotionally, and had to opt out of school, which made me feel like a loser. Feelings that I still battle with. Most days are good, but there are some days that I just want to give up. But it's because of you, my friends that have seen my struggles, that I fight the bad thoughts. I know that no matter how bad things are for me, it could always be much worse. I'm alive, and that's a gift.

I'm rambling now I know, but I somehow feel as if writing this is cathartic, so I'll continue on.

In 2011, I lost a good friend suddenly, and I've never really gotten over it. It was unexpected, and I had never experienced that kind of grief before. And then just five months ago, I lost my beloved cat, Cuddles. My heart was crushed. That, without a doubt, was the worst pain I've ever felt. I didn't want to go on. But with the love of family, friends, and a few kind words from those on Twitter, I got through. It's still hard, but I get through it cause I have to. I have my kitten Charlie now, and I'm Auntie to the most precious nephew, Caleb David, now 14 months old. It's for him that I keep going.

Okay, feeling much better now that I've got the tears out. Thanks for listening.

Krista